Shellen's Story

My name is Shelleen and one of my experiences that has definitely built my faith and brought me closer to my Heavenly Father was that of my personal conversion.
I moved out of my home at fifteen, not for any traumatic reasons other than I thought I was grown. And with that said, I didn’t take myself to church.  Unfortunately the gospel left my life at that time for many years -until I was 28 years old.  And I just felt this constant need for something and I was not sure what that was.  I remember praying, specifically because it had been many years since I prayed, and I just said “Heavenly Father, you know my family is active in this religion, the spirituality seems to be the most lacking in my life, maybe I should explore this.  And if this is something that you would like me to do, you make it happen.  Because I have jobs that I love, a social life that I am happy with, and unless I move so I can change my life drastically, I don’t know how I could give this journey a hundred percent and find truth if it be there.”
The next day was Monday and at work we always have a stand-up meeting that lasts about five minutes. In the stand-up meeting the CEO handed us our checks and said “unfortunately, this is your last check.  The company has been dissolved.” and I just thought “ok.  This is not a coincidence. This is an opportunity and I am taking it.”  So the other job was a little easier to quit, and I called my sister in Florida because I knew her home was one of faith, and love, and spirituality, and also because it was across the country, and I could definitely leave everything that I knew and begin to change my life and grow, if this is what was called for.
  One of those things that were part of my life was smoking, unfortunately I had smoked since I was fifteen years old, and some other word of wisdom things.  Those things I definitely knew the basics, that if you are seeking truth or purity that you shouldn't do things that are contradictory to that.  So I was willing to stop everything the minute that I got there.  And I did!  I remember driving up there and thought “that was my last cigarette”.  Well, there definitely was some hardships after that, and challenges with headaches and moodiness,  and now I am just in this whole new life and world that had nothing of my identity.  I had been on my own for so long, and now I am in a small apartment with my sister, her husband, and four kids.  And I just wasn't feeling happy either.

A couple of weeks had gone by and I am going along with going to church, saying prays at the meals, and I thought “where is the joy and happiness that comes from this? Because I am not feeling it!  In fact, I feel sad and lost.”  and I would read a lot in different things, and I was reading this Zen book, it just had little parables in there, and teachings, and one stood out to be me because it really awakened me.   It is a short one, and it goes like this:  “A teacher walked to the master’s house, and the master invited the teacher to come in, and said, “What is it that you desire of me?” and the teacher said, “Master, I desire that you teach me.” The master invited the teacher to sit down and said, “May I pour you a cup of tea?” And the teacher said “please.” And the master began to pour, and as the tea in the cup was beginning to rise and fill the cup, the teacher said, “Master, stop.  My cup is full.” And the master said “Yes, and because of this, I can not teach you.” For me in that moment, I thought that all my life experiences, although they were some good and positive, and there were some negative maybe, and not so good, that all those things combined, were leading me to maybe a little bit of pride, and less humility.  And you definitely need humility when you are in search of something, or of learning, or of growth.  So, I remember kneeling and saying “Okay Heavenly Father, I know nothing.  Let me empty out mind and teach me.” And I remember that sincere quest: Just wanting to know everything of Jesus’ words.  “What is this gospel?” “Let me know of the truth.”
 And I don’t have a specific day; I just know that I fell in love with the gospel.  And I remember looking in the mirror, and seeing myself, and thought “Ok, I feel whole again.  I feel very familiar.”  Many things had changed; no longer a smoker, little things that you identify yourself with weren't there, but it was definitely me! I think it is because I started to see myself through the eyes of our Heavenly Father!  I am so grateful for this chapter in my life that has led to many other chapters in my life of building faith, and feeling closer to my Heavenly Father.